Youre Santa! Can You Master The Sleigh And Deliver Gifts To All The Good Boys And Girls?

This is you. You’re Santa Claus.

You’ve been lying unconscious on the frigid tundra of the North Pole since last Christmas. In order to make sure you didn’t starve during your year-long slumber, arctic pelicans have been coming up to you and laying eggs into your mouth 24/7 since last Christmas.

Every pelican lays about 200 eggs at a time, and they’ve just been squirting them right down Santa’s sleeping throat all year long. This is why Santa is so plus-sized all the time.

Yes. While you were sleeping, you dreamed of when you were young and handsome. This is what you looked like 10,000 years ago. You were the most beautiful man in the world, and everyone wanted to marry you and do gross stuff to you with their underbelt zones. It was a wonderful time to be Santa Claus.

Those days are over for you now. Your youth is gone, and now your only joy comes from giving away gifts to well-behaved children.

You continue lying unconscious on the sub-zero tundra of the North Pole. You burp and sneeze in your sleep. A tour bus full of Japanese tourists drives by and everyone takes a picture of your motionless body.

Suddenly, you feel a wet flipper jostle you awake.

“Santa, it’s me, Lunar Jake, the goddamn walrus who thinks the moon is in charge,” says the walrus named Lunar Jake. “As you know, I’ve completely lost my mind, so I think the moon created the universe and makes all the laws. If the moon told me to eat a poisonous flower, I would for sure do it. I’m under the insane impression that the moon is a huge female king that lives in the sky.”

“Well, Santa, you told me to wake you up when it was Christmas Eve, and that’s today,” says Lunar Jake. “You’ve got to wake up so that you can deliver gifts to all the good boys and girls of the Earth.”

“Also, I just wanted to let you know that my brain is a mushed-up bowl of tapioca, and so I truly believe that the moon is God’s aunt and is therefore more powerful than God. The moon is the most powerful circle in the world.”

For the first time since last Christmas, you get up and start walking across the frozen wasteland of the North Pole.

“Goodbye, Santa!” Lunar Jake calls to you as you leave. “My brain is broken, and so I love to get bossed around by the moon!”

All right, Santa, it’s time for you to get to work. You’ve made your Naughty List and you’ve made your Nice List. The Naughty List is full of kids who did crimes and sins, and therefore will not get gifts. The Nice List is full of kids who have clean souls and would go to Heaven if an elephant sat on them right now.

Here’s the Naughty List. It’s huge. Children have been miserable this year. They have cockroach hearts and perpetrated all manner of misbehaviors all day long. There are nearly 2 billion children on the Naughty List.

Here it is: the Nice List for this year in children. This year was a terrible year for children. These are the only four children in the whole world who went the entire year without misbehaving.

Ah! Here is Old Miserable Ezra, one of the naughtiest children alive. He does not deserve any presents at all.

Terrifying. Here is Endless Wicked Abigail, one of the naughtiest children around. She has more than earned her place on the Naughty List, and she will remain giftless until the day she dies.

Horrible! Here are The Four Idiots, a roving gang of naughty children who have caused nothing but sword mischief since the day they were born. They won’t get any sorts of gifts at all.

That’s enough of the Naughty List for now. If you read it all, you’d be here forever, because most children have disaster souls.

You promptly explode. Parents all over the world are forced to take their children into the bathroom to whisper to them that Santa Claus has exploded for no reason. A lot of them are devastated, but many of them don’t care. Christmas never happens again, and it’s replaced with Arbor Day 2, a holiday where people throw bricks at trees.

The End.

The next thing you’re going to need in order to fly around the world delivering gifts is Santa’s haunted sled. Here is a picture of you flying in the haunted sled in 2006.

All right, Santa. You have your magic gift pouch, and your reindeer are all hooked up to your haunted sled. You’re all set to fly into the sky and give presents to well-behaved children.

Are you sure you want to say goodbye to Mrs. Claus? The two of you got divorced last year because she was trying to project the movie The Usual Suspects (1995) onto your huge belly, but you kept moving around.

Here’s the arctic cottage where Mrs. Claus lives with her new boyfriend, Justin.

You enter the house and see your divorced wife, Mrs. Claus, arm-in-arm with her new boyfriend, Justin.

“Hello, Santa,” says Mrs. Claus. “We’re divorced.”

“Hey there, big man,” says Justin. “So good to see you! I love your divorced wife. We like to kiss each other during snowstorms.”

“Things are going great for me, Santa,” says Mrs. Claus. “Justin and I are so happy together, and we were recently voted ‘Most In Love’ in last month’s issue of Elderly Arctic Couples Magazine.”

“I’m sorry, Santa,” says Mrs. Claus, “but I’m afraid we can never be together again. I’m in love with Justin now, and he never moves when I’m projecting The Usual Suspects (1995) onto his belly. Besides, I was recently voted ‘Most Divorced’ in last month’s issue of Arctic Divorcee Monthly. I can’t just relinquish my title.”

Well, it looks like Mrs. Claus has made up her mind. Since you’re Santa Claus, you’re very mature about this and respect your divorced wife’s choice to be in love with a man named Justin.

“Okay, goodbye, Santa,” says Mrs. Claus. She gives Justin a big kiss on the cheek. “Good luck delivering presents on Christmas.”

“Take it sleazy, big man!” says Justin.

You leave Mrs. Claus behind and return to your sled. It’s time to make Christmas Eve happen to everyone.

“On Blitzen and Blitzen and Blitzen and Blitzen! On Blitzen and Blitzen and Blitzen and Blitzen!” you shout to your reindeer as they carry your haunted sled away into the sky.

You’re on your way! It’s time for Santa to slither up and down chimneys like a snake giving gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world.

You arrive at the house of Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare. The entire Lil’ Sweet O’Clare family is asleep, so it’s time to go inside of their house and leave a gift for Lil’ Sweet Cindy.

You jump down the chimney and enter the home of Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare.

You approach the Christmas tree. It’s time to put presents underneath it using Santa’s world-famous pouch.

Awww. Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare’s letter is truly adorable. For Christmas, she wants a photograph of bread. Unfortunately, you don’t have any photographs of bread in your pouch. You’ll have to go find some bread and take a picture of it.

You reach into your gift pouch and pull out the 2009 Rand McNally Road Atlas, a beautiful gift from Santa Claus. When this road atlas was being developed, the fine cartographers at Rand McNally performed extensive experiments on animals in order to create an atlas with 100 percent geographic accuracy. As a result, it’s one of the best outdated road atlases on the market.

You place it under Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare’s Christmas tree. Hopefully she likes it.

You climb back into your haunted sled and fly away into the night sky to go to the grocery store.

You arrive at the grocery store called SUPERMARKET. It’s a famous chain of grocery stores named after Adam Supermarket, the heroic military chimpanzee who ran through hails of gunfire during World War I to bring fistfuls of loose mints to American soldiers as they fought and died in the trenches.

Adam Supermarket remains the only American chimpanzee to ever be eaten by a sitting U.S. president, and this national chain of grocery stores bears his name to honor his heroic life.

There is a grocery man standing at the door of the grocery store.

“Hello, Santa Claus,” says the grocery man. “Merry Christmas, and welcome to SUPERMARKET.”

“I’m sorry to hear about that, Santa. I know what it feels like to be divorced because I once heard about a dog who ate a divorced poet.”

You reach into your tool belt and pull out the Drill Of Empathy, the special power drill awarded to whichever little boy or girl shows the most empathy about divorce on Christmas. You hand it to the grocery man, and he immediately runs to the nearest church so that he can sit in church and kiss his power drill for hours in order to make Christ envious of the amazing drill.

“Santa, your jolly laughter fills me with Christmas joy,” says the grocery man. “Please enjoy your shopping experience at SUPERMARKET.”

“Ah, I see you’re still laughing. Very good. It’s certainly a happy time of year.”

“I’m so glad you’re happy, Santa.”

“Santa, I must insist that you stop laughing now. Soon, your jolly guffaws will attract the Night Clown, and then we’ll both be in huge trouble.”

“Santa, please, the Night Clown will surely hear you! Every Christmas Eve, the Night Clown wanders the parking lots of all the world’s grocery stores, and if he hears you laughing in the parking lot, he catches you in his terrible claws and sends you on vacation.”

There is a rustling in the bushes, and the terrible face of the Night Clown emerges.

“Is someone laughing in the parking lot?” the Night Clown asks.

“Well, if you’re laughing in the parking lot, I’m going to have to send you on vacation. It’s just like the popular nursery rhyme says:

‘If you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve,
Night Clown’s gonna send you on vacation.
End of poem.’”

“Because I am a clown at night.”

“I’m glad you understand,” says the Night Clown. “But I’m afraid I must now administer your punishment for laughing in a grocery store parking lot on Christmas Eve. I’m going to send you on vacation.”

You try to run, but it’s no use. The Night Clown catches you and sends you on vacation.

You were warned. Everyone knows that if you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve, the Night Clown finds you and sends you on vacation, but you didn’t listen. Now, you’re on vacation and can’t deliver gifts to anybody.

When all the good boys and girls wake up on Christmas Day, they see that they have no presents, and they get so sad that they weep and put their shoes on. Christmas is forever canceled and replaced with a new holiday called Aunt’s Day, where you let your aunt know how much you love her by bringing her a hollowed-out crab claw filled with wine for her to drink on the train.

The End.

“Okay, well, let me try to explain it again. Basically, when it’s night, I’m a clown, and so that’s why I’m called the Night Clown.”

“Jesus Christ. Okay, well, forget it then. The important thing is that you’ve summoned my spooky clown face to you by laughing in a parking lot on Christmas Eve, and now I’m going to send you on vacation. Here I come.”

The Night Clown walks toward you with an evil look in his eyes. He reaches out his terrible gnarled hand.

The Night Clown grabs you by the throat and sends you on vacation.

You were warned. Everyone knows that if you laugh in a parking lot on Christmas Eve, the Night Clown finds you and sends you on vacation, but you didn’t listen. Now, you’re on vacation and can’t deliver gifts to anybody.

When all the good boys and girls wake up on Christmas Day, they see that they have no presents, and they get so sad that they weep and put their shoes on. Christmas is forever canceled and replaced with a new holiday called Aunt’s Day, where you let your aunt know how much you love her by bringing her a hollowed-out crab claw filled with wine for her to drink on the train.

The End.

You reach into your gift pouch and pull out the 2009 Rand McNally Road Atlas, America’s number-one outdated road atlas.

“Wow! Thanks, Santa!” says the grocery man. You’ve really brightened his day.

You’re inside the grocery store called SUPERMARKET. It’s filled with families who love to spend Christmas Eve holding hands in the grocery store. You’ve got to find the bread so that you can take a picture of it for Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare.

Through a series of unforeseeable disasters, you end up buying 1,000 apples. Now you have 1,000 apples. Very cool.

You take out your megaphone and make the following announcement to everyone at the grocery store:

“Hello, everyone. This is Santa Claus from the Bible. I’m divorced, and my wife is very happy with Justin. I’m looking for bread now.”

Everyone in the grocery store applauds politely.

Here’s the bread.

Amazing! You’ve got yourself the photograph of bread that Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare wanted. Now, you can fly back to her house and give it to her.

You slither back down the chimney and find Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare awake and waiting for you by the Christmas tree. She looks at you with her big, angelic eyes and speaks in a voice as sweet as the Lord’s Cake:

“Hello, Santa. My name is Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare, and I’m the most lovely and number-one sweetest girl of cake. I’m the nicest little angel girl in any of the NATO nations. Do you have the picture of bread? Give it to me. I need the photograph of that magnificent loaf.”

You hand Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare her present.

“At last!” she screams as she unwraps it. “A photograph of bread! Thank you, Santa! Thank you!”

There is a blinding flash of light, and you hear Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare scream, “Finally!” When the light fades, Lil’ Sweet Cindy O’Clare has disappeared from the living room. She is now inside the photograph with the bread. This is what she’s always wanted.

Very good.

Yes! It’s time for Santa to start delivering presents. The first thing you’re going to need is Santa’s special gift pouch. The gift pouch is a magical bag that is filled with an endless supply of road atlases from 2009. Unless a child specifically asks for something else, you just give them one of those road atlases.

Your gift pouch also has one plate inside of it for emergencies.

Here are the reindeer that fly your haunted sled. They used to have

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