You Are Robot Boy! Can You Save Japan From Monsters?

This is Japan, the California of Asia.

Japan is a glistening island nation. A land steeped in ancient history, but also on the cutting edge of science and technology. It is where pagodas and skyscrapers coexist.

You live in a town on the outskirts of Tokyo. It is a quiet and peaceful village, except whenever monsters attack Japan and wreak horrific devastation. Fortunately, no monsters have attacked Japan for 15 years.

You are Robot Boy, a normal Japanese teenager. You live with your parents in a normal house that is a robotics factory. You enjoy normal Japanese teenager hobbies like watching TV, playing sports, transforming into different machines with your power of shape-shifting, and hanging out at the mall.

Robot Boy, get dressed for school! shouts one of your moms.

You transform into your humanoid school form and run your usual morning self-diagnostic algorithms. All systems are nominal.

Breakfast is ready! shouts one of your dads. Hurry up, you dont want to be late for school!

Your three dads and two moms welcome you to the breakfast table.

Good morning, Robot Boy! says the second dad on the left. We cooked up your favorite meal: enriched plutonium!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so you help yourself to a nutritious meal of enriched plutonium. You eat until your energy reserves are at maximum.

You head over toward the scrap metal bin, but your parents stop you.

Metal? For breakfast? asks one of your moms. If you eat junk food like that youre going to add excessive mass to your nano-molecular matrix!

Robot Boy, before you go to school, theres something we want to tell you, says your dad on the far left.

Youre a high school freshman now, so youre finally old enough to learn the truth, says your mom second to the right.

Robot Boy, you are not a normal human boy. You are a robot.

Were being serious, says your third from left dad. You are a robot we built to protect Japan from monsters. Fifteen years ago monsters attacked Japan and wreaked horrific devastation, so we designed a robot boy to fight them should they ever return. You are that robot boy, Robot Boy.

This is a lot to take in, says your mom on the far right. Just know that we love you, son, and believe that you will do a great job at fighting monsters. Also, weve detected sonar signals indicating that monsters are walking across the ocean toward Tokyo and will attack Japan today.

Wonderful, says a mom. Now grab your book bag and go to school. Just because monsters are attacking Japan, thats no excuse to let your grades slip!

Like all students in Japan, you go to school in a sacred 1,000-year-old temple. Youd better get to class. Its only five minutes until the monks ring the first-period bell.

Whew, you made it. Your teacher, Mr. Nakamura, hasnt yet stirred from his night-long meditation ritual.

You have time to chat with some of your classmates before first period starts.

Itsumi is the smartest girl in school and a dedicated student. She always carries a sour lime with her in case the teacher gets hungry during class and needs a delicious snack.

Hello, my platonic friend Robot Boy, says Itsumi. I am very excited for school! How are you today?

Itsumi smiles. Okay! Bye!

Keiko is dressed in her team uniform to play Balloon Debacle, Japans national sport. It is an ancient game of agility and strength, originally played by samurai to determine who would get to commit suicide first by swallowing a lime and choking to death on it. The modern version of the sport was made nonlethal by replacing the lime with a balloon that is too large to choke on.

Good morning, Robot Boy, my non-romantic friend, says Keiko. I cant wait until school is over so I can play sports! How are you today?

Keiko smiles. Okay! Bye!

Keiko is dressed in her team uniform to play Balloon Debacle, Japans national sport. It is an ancient game of agility and strength, originally played by samurai to determine who would get to commit suicide first by swallowing a lime and choking to death on it. The modern version of the sport was made nonlethal by replacing the lime with a balloon that is too large to choke on.

Good morning, Robot Boy, my non-romantic friend, says Keiko. I cant wait until school is over so I can play sports! How are you today?

Keiko smiles. Okay! Bye!

Itsumi is the smartest girl in school and a dedicated student. She always carries a sour lime with her in case the teacher gets hungry during class and needs a delicious snack.

Hello, my platonic friend Robot Boy, says Itsumi. I am very excited for school! How are you today?

Itsumi smiles. Okay! Bye!

Your best friend, Tatsuma, shakes his head sympathetically. That was rough to watch, Robot Boy. You totally blew it with both of your crushes! The timing couldnt be any worse. Today is the big school dance, and you havent found a date yet.

Of course I have a date! says Tatsuma. Im taking Anja, the foreign exchange student.

You better figure out how to impress either Itsumi or Keiko before someone else asks them to the dance! Also, good luck saving Japan from the monsters.

Good morning, class, says your teacher, Mr. Nakamura, as he emerges from his meditative trance. First period is English class, where we learn how to speak English the foreign language.

He calls on you. Robot Boy, how do you say the phrase A lime is a delicious treat in English?

No, that is incorrect. That is not the correct way to praise a lime! Have you been studying your textbook, Robot Boy? This was all covered in last nights homework.

Well done, Robot Boy! That is the correct way to praise a lime in English. I see youve been studying hard.

Try translating this useful phrase to English: Please slice a delicious lime in half for me, so I do not choke to death on it.

Before you can answer, you receive an incoming transmission on an emergency frequency!

Bad news for Tokyo! A monster walked right out of the goddamn ocean and is attacking the city. Its stepping on cars and devouring buildings, doing all the standard monster behaviors. Robot Boy, Japan needs you!

You soar through the air toward Tokyo, following the sound of police sirens and screaming citizens. All of Japan is counting on you to stop this monster. Hopefully you can defeat it before you miss too much school and your grades suffer.

Robot Boy Japan Defender (Fighter Of Monsters)

Hopeful spirits rejoice
Very tall lovers share a bicycle
In your arms I am safe and warm
Embracing my destiny like a kite

Robot Boy!
He fights monsters to defend Japan
Robot Boy!
He fights for every Japanese human

A child rings a bell
The frog and the fly cooperate
True friendship will never sour like milk
Lets visit the garage of harmony

Robot Boy!
He fights monsters to defend Japan
Robot Boy!
He fights for every Japanese human

Wilted rose blooms anew
Look up at the stars and at the clouds
An honest promise has arisen
Wisdom is louder than all adversaries

Robot Boy!
He fights monsters to defend Japan
Robot Boy!
He fights for every Japanese human

A hideous monster is stomping through the heart of Tokyo, leaving a trail of destruction. SNACKS, the creature bellows as it bends down to take an immense bite out of an office building. The beast seems unsatisfied by its meal. SNACKS, it bellows again. Youd better stop the monster before it devours all of Tokyo!

You morph into a nuclear warhead and launch yourself at the monster. The explosion is tremendous and completely disintegrates the monster. It also completely annihilates Tokyo, which really is the last thing Japan needs right now. Since you are the bomb, you explode, and are also destroyed.

You morph into a tank and fire several artillery shells at the monster.

Your attack has no effect! The explosions cannot scratch the monsters impervious skin!

Attacking it directly isnt going to work, Robot Boy, someone says to you.

Its American actor Richard Kind, the most famous celebrity in all of Japan! Hes the star of widely popular Japanese films, such as Richards Notable Tokyo Adventure, Mr. Kind Outwits The Yakuza, and Richard Kind Respectfully Lights A Candle In Kyoto.

The universally beloved actor is sitting outside of a Tokyo hotel where hes staying while filming another box office blockbuster.

Therell be time for autographs later, kid, says Richard Kind. Right now youve got to figure out how to defeat this monster. Monsters have armored skin, so you cant just shoot the bastards. Youve got to be clever in how you fight em.

Do I have tips for asking girls out? Of course I do! Im Richard Kind, star of romantic dramas like Richard Kind Secretly Is Betrothed To The Emperors Daughter. But that monster is tearing up Tokyo, so I only have time to give you one quick dating tip before you go fight it. What do you need to know?

If you want to impress a girl who is class president, you have to show her that youre supportive of women in politics. Try saying something romantic like, The prime minister of Japan could be a woman and that would be fine.

If you want to impress a girl who is an athlete, you have to show her that youre supportive of women in sports. Try saying something romantic like, Even though male athletes generally have more muscle mass, it is equally exciting to watch female athletes play sports.

You cant defeat the monster through a direct attack, but if you explore Tokyo, maybe youll be inspired to figure out a way to stop it.

SNACKS, screams the monster as it devours a city bus. Youd better hurry. The abomination shows no sign of slowing down its rampage.

You enter a traditional Japanese restaurant. As is customary in Japanese fine dining, the waiters are robots covered with coruscating neon lights.

An American tourist is glumly staring at a bowl of delicious limes. This isnt sushi, he complains. This is limes. This robot restaurant was rated the best sushi restaurant in the world by the Michelin Guide. I flew all the way from Boise just to eat here, but the robot waiters only put limes on my plate when I ask for sushi.

Well, I hate limes. My vacation to Japan is ruined. The sushi is just limes and a monster is attacking the city. Im going to write a complaint on TripAdvisor.

Sure, help yourself, he says. Raw lime is disgusting. I only want to eat pieces of cold, uncooked fish.

You take the mans limes. Limes may prove useful against the monster, but not by themselves. Youll have to continue exploring Tokyo to formulate your attack plan.

The lime looks incredibly delicious and sour. Your parents have repeatedly told you to never eat a lime, but what could be the harm of just one lime? For your entire life youve wondered what limes taste like, and there arent any moms or dads here to stop you from tasting it.

You take a deep bite out the lime, filling your mechanical mouth with sour pulp. The chemical sensors on your tongue analyze the lime and conclude it is delicious.

Then you start to feel queasy as lime juice spills through your delicate inner circuitry, shorting out electrical connections and causing catastrophic malfunctions. Your neural network overloads and you shut down.

The next thing you see is your loading screen as you boot back up.

 


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