Aries – Felicity Merriman (Revolutionary War Betch)
Much like you, Aries, Felicity Merriman is active af. She’s training horses, she’s making friends, and she’s low-key involved in the American Revolution. Like you, Felicity is wayyy too ADD to stick to one thing, and flips from standing up to bullies one minute to helping some old guy named Jiggy Nye (fairly certain this is a 90s Will Smith track, but okay) quit alcohol the next. She’s one of the OG American Girl dolls which makes her a leader, and much of her series focuses on her mother’s desperate attempts to make her more “ladylike,” which I’m sure you can relate to.
Taurus – Kristen Larson (Pioneer Betch)
Kristen’s whole “thing” is working hard, so it’s pretty clear why she and Taurus are a perfect match. And nothing says “Earth sign” more than being a Swedish Midwesterner living on a farm. Unlike Corinne, Kristen loves farm chores (gross), and spends her free time learning English, making friends, and being pissed that her parents are having another baby and wrecking her comfort levels (just like you when faced with any minor inconvenience). Sad to say, Kristen is mostly a very boring nice girl, but only a Taurus would ever have the patience to create her elaborate braid crown, so the two are a match made in heaven.
Gemini – Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner (Antebellum Betches)
Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace are the only dolls who come as a set (I mean, you still have to pay for two separate dolls, AG is nothing if not insanely expensive), which is perfect for Geminis who can’t ever make up their damn mind. Done playing with Marie-Grace? NP, Cécile is here to alleviate your boredom. Personality-wise, Cécile is more outgoing, whereas Marie-Grace is
friendless a loner, so they perfectly mirror a Gemini’s socialite status one week but hermit lifestyle the next. Basically, they’re two different people, and so are you, Gemini.
Cancer – Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American War Betch)
Cancers are the mama’s betches of the zodiac, and being obsessed with the fact that her mom is dead is literally the central issue of Josefina’s life (understandable). Given the fact that wild goats, snakes, and random men with guns roam the Mexican countryside near Josefina’s home, she likes to stay indoors, something a Cancer can definitely relate to. She’s also not so into the whole “meeting new people” thing, and is much happier just chilling with her sisters and aunts, aka “not branching out,” which is Cancer’s specialty.
Leo – One Of Those Dolls That Looks Like You
I mean, come on Leo, you’re not going to shell out a fuckton of money for a doll who doesn’t look like you. Who tf does that? You have no interest in pretending to be from other eras, because those eras are obviously inferior to the current era, as evidenced by the fact that you don’t live in them. Also, those eras didn’t have social media, which means your doll doesn’t have any of the avenues you know and love for getting attention. Unacceptable. You’ll take a doll that
might come to life and assume your identity looks like you and carries a cell phone, thanks.
Virgo – Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)
Virgos are all about being organized and keeping shit low-key, and nothing requires more low-key organization than escaping fucking slavery (See: The Underground Railroad). Addy Walker is the baddest betch in the OG American Girl collection because like, she’s actually done some pretty incredible shit, but you wouldn’t know it because—like you, Virgo—Addy doesn’t need that attention. She’s just gonna keep her shit on the DL and keep working at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop until next thing you know, her line is the hottest thing at the 1870s version of New York Fashion Week. Basically, you’re both killing it, and don’t need any of the drama that surrounds the more “popular” dolls.
Libra – Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)
Libras are all about fairness, and Kit Kittredge doesn’t think it’s very fucking fair that her family has no money because of the Great Depression. Libras are fascinated by “balance and symmetry,” and it was a lack of both these two elements that caused the stock market to crash on October 24th, 1929. In order to make it through the Depression, Kit will need to work well with others and find inner peace, two things Libras are great at. Also, Abigail Breslin played her in the movie version, which is neither here nor there, but is pretty cool.
Scorpio – Kaya (Pre-Colonial Betch)
Scorpios are known for being pretty fucking wild, and nobody is more wild than Kaya, the pre-colonial Native American betch whose desire to do whatever tf she wants gets her kidnapped in her breakout book, . Kaya also gets the nickname “Magpie” due to her “rash actions,” and consequences due to rash actions are nothing new to a Scorpio. Honestly, I’d start calling you “Magpie” as well if I didn’t know you’d totally flip out.
Sagittarius – Samantha Parkington (Turn Of The Century Betch)
Congrats, Sagittarius! You are Samantha Parkington, the betchiest of all the American Girl dolls. Feel free to tell your mom. Sags love to travel, and no one is more set to travel the world than Samantha, who is both rich af and comes with a variety of Instagram-ready vacation looks that would def make all the other American Girls jealous. Much like you, Samantha is known for asking a fuckload of questions and saying whatever she wants, like asking her poor friend Nellie why she’s so damn poor in .
Capricorn – Molly McIntire (World War II Era Betch)
Capricorns are known for being responsible and well-organized, and nobody is better organized than Molly McIntire, who literally tracks the movements of troops in WWII from her bedroom. Sure, we have declared Molly a “narc,” but like, narc-ness is kind of one of your most endearing qualities. Capricorns can also be kind of bleak and expect the worst, and I honestly can’t think of anything more bleak than an 11-year-old girl who pretends to do bomb drills in her mom’s basement. Yikes.
Aquarius – Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)
This one is easy. Aquarians are obviously represented by Julie Albright, the hippie betch. Not only does she represent all your progressive ideals (like not shaving for the duration of winter), she shares your literally insane temper, as evidenced in the book, when she flips out at her cousins for saying she’s not good at horseback riding. You wouldn’t take that shit, Aquarius, and neither did Julie.
Pisces – Maryellen Larkin (1950s Era Betch)
Maryellen doesn’t stand for the 1950s’ bullshit, namely racism against Italians, which is just what a compassionate, generous, 1950s-era Pisces would do. Maryellen also shares Pisces’ imagination and love of art, and hopes to one day be a fashion designer one day which is v chic of her. Pisces also tend to have a victim complex, which Maryellen def has after contracting Polio in the 1952 epidemic. Sure, her victimhood is a little more valid than yours, but you can use her to help work through some of that anger you felt when you had to be happy for a friend who got skinnier than you.
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