The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 2

After watching the Golden Globes Sunday night, I’m feeling like this is a good week to be a woman. I just watched Oprah give her first presidential campaign speech inspire people with her acceptance speech, and now literally anything can happen. Everyone, we are so fucking blessed. So after a night of watching women lift up other women, I guess it’s time to tune in for a night of women tearing down other women emotionally, physically, and spiritually for a man who’s pushing 40 and has feminine hand gestures. *sips wine* K, I guess I’m ready now.

The episode opens with Arie riding in on his motorcycle looking like Tim Allen’s stunt guy in.

Seriously, that shit is uncanny.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE

The first date card is presented to the girls, and I always forget the level of desperation at this stage in the game. Chris Harrison is, like, trying to make uncomfortable small talk with the group. Meanwhile, the girls are looking at the him like he’s the last bagel they ate in 2010 and still dream about from time to time.

Becca K gets the first date card, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen this girl before in my entire damn life. Did she get out of a limo last week? I blacked out can’t remember. More importantly, which producer did she blow to get the first one-on-one?

must be Arie’s favorite movie, because he forces Becca K to reenact every scene with him during this weird AF styling date. Like, what am I even watching rn? Also, Rachel Zoe, you are better than this!

Y’all, if a guy ever opened a present he got for me and said “these are Louboutins” in such reverent tones, I would laugh in his homosexual face. Just saying.

Also, let’s take a step back and analyze this date for a hot second, shall we? Arie’s idea of a “good time” involves watching a girl try on dresses, buying her new shoes, and giving her overall styling advice. He realize the goal at the end of all of this is to have the girls actually want to sleep with him and not just call him for outfit advice before a date with someone they actually want to bang, right? Cause it’s unclear to me rn.

And Arie, word of advice, if Becca wanted a sugar daddy she would have just gone to the local golf clubhouse in West Palm Beach. She knew coming on this show she would be dating a former failed race car driver and current real estate agent. No need to let her believe you can live beyond your means.

Arie sends Becca back to the mansion with diamonds and an entire fucking new wardrobe, which is a bold move on his part. He’s either super into her or he straight-up hates her and hopes that the bloodthirsty mob waiting for her back at the mansion will cut her before he has to at the next rose ceremony. Seriously, Becca, watch your back, girlfriend. Bibiana looks like she’s got a shiv with your name on it. 

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Krystal aka the girl who led with “I’m a Libra” gets the second one-on-one date of the week. I guess whispering the intimate details of her Hinge profile into Arie’s ear that first night really paid off for her. Interesting.

God, I don’t know if I can watch this date. Krystal is literally the embodiment of every New Year’s resolution I’ve failed to follow through with. I can’t root for this. 

So their first date is a casual trip to another state to frolic around Arie’s hometown? I would rather peel off my flesh with a rusty spoon than listen to a guy relive his high school glory days on the first date but, ya know, to each their own.

KRYSTAL: So why choose me for this date?

ARIE: Well you said you’d never been to Scottsdale before and I was, like, sure she can come.

Yeah, that bond is deep.

Okay, if ANY guy, televised or not, just sprung a last-minute “meet the parents” on me after 15 minutes of dating I would call the fucking cops on him.

So….is it just me or…. Does Arie’s mom look a lot like Krystal? And I’m not talking mother-daughter resemblance here either. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Mrs. Luyendyk? Do you and Krystal both like dipping Oreos in peanut butter? 

Krystal keeps talking about how scared she is to open up and how she’s been scorned by love, and all I can think is, “I really hope someone slips this girl some gluten.” Watching her try to hide an internal battle with indigestion while keeping that fake smile plastered to her face is literally the only thing that could make this date interesting for me.

I love how Krystal is trying to make divorce her sob story. She’s like “my parents split up and then my mom wouldn’t buy me a comforter, which is why I have trust issues with men.” ….K. Like, Krystal, you didn’t spend your formative years in foster care or locked up in a basement. Your parents just got divorced. Like 70 percent of the rest of the world. You’re not special.

ARIE: Wow, I love your story. Thanks for sharing with me, I really hope you get the movie rights for it soon. Powerful stuff. 

THE GROUP DATE

Arie decides that a great idea for the group date is for the girls, who have done nothing for the past 48 hours except sit at the mansion seething in jealousy and chugging white wine spritzers, is to crash cars into one another—but it’s all in good fun!! Yeah, this seems less like a wholesome date and more like it might end in the death of the weakest member in the group. May the odds be ever in your favor, ladies!

ANNALIESE: This is hard for me to say, but I have a bumper cars trauma. I’ve been traumatized by bumper cars.

ARIE: Wait is this serious?

Alright, Jenny is real AF. I’m Team Jenny, aka the team that talks shit, from now on. I mean, will she last past this episode? Probs not. She’s spent more time talking to the camera than to Arie, but that’s neither here nor there.

Tbh my favorite part about this episode is Chris Harrison shading the fuck out of Arie before this race. Chris is like “will Arie actually win? He’s never won anything in his entire miserable life ever” and it’s like, Chris, isn’t your sole purpose on this show to build him up??

I love that when these bitches try to fuck up Arie and his car it’s called “flirting” and “going after what they want” but when I do it to my boyfriend it’s a “criminal act”?

Holy shit. Brittany couldn’t make it to the cocktail hour because of injuries? And no one is concerned about this?? Why is everyone laughing when Arie tells them this news??

Chelsea immediately steals Arie away at the cocktail hour. I don’t like that she’s using her 3-year-old as a way to get Arie to stick his tongue down her throat. It’s v unsettling.

Okay Seinne is beautiful, a Yale graduate, well-traveled, and can run down bitches with her in her sleep. Why is she on this show again?

SEINNE: …and then last year I solved world peace.

ARIE: When I graduated my dad had to bribe the manager of Pizza Hut to give me a job.

*throws wine glass at TV* YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE. Seinne, sweetie, you’re way too good for this shit.

 

^^me trying to figure out why the fuck Seinne is on this show.

I’ve never been more disturbed in my life than watching Arie and Baby Bekah (I’m never calling her anything else) flirt with each other. Arie is just like “I liked watching you paint that car you, bad girl.” SHE’S NOT EVEN FUCKING LEGAL, ARIE. Stop creeping me out before I call on your ass.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Arie continues to make out with Baby Bekah, and I continue to try not and vomit into my rosé. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. But, seriously, I haven’t seen an alcoholic drink in this girl’s hand once. Can I get an ID check, please? 

Meanwhile, the entire mansion is planning ways to murder Krystal and get away with it. I’m so here for it. Girls, let me know if you need me to bring a shovel to bury the body!

Bibiana starts to lose it after Krystal interrupts to steal Arie away for the second time and, honestly, she’s not wrong. Here’s hoping Bibiana shoves that rose right up Krystal’s ass, because otherwise wtf am I doing here?

BIBIANA: Do your workout, and meditate for a little bit on the hole you just dug for yourself. Mic drop, bitch.

ME:

Moving on to the rose ceremony, Bedazzled Banana Valerie (whose outfits I’m v sad I’ll never be able to shade again in a recap), Lauren G, and Jenny all get sent home. All the girls take it like champs someone who just got dumped on national television and are contractually obligated not to beat the shit out of their ex, except for Jenny, who refuses to touch or make eye contact with Arie. I knew I liked this girl.

*slow claps* Wooowwww that was one savage af exit. I didn’t know you had it in you, girlfriend. Points for ignoring ABC’s exit clause in contract acting like you don’t give a shit, but you lost me when you said “I’m not sad about you, I’m just going to miss my friends.” We all know no one’s here to make friends. Let’s get real and say you’ll miss the Instagram followers and the constant day drinking, mkay?

Until next week, betches!

More From this publisher : HERE ; This post was curated using : TrendingTraffic

 


RELATED PRODUCTS
  • Learn how to read music in as little as one evening about 4 hours by learning the 3 basics.
  • How your child or student can read music notes easily and quickly.
  • Firmer, Bigger and Sexier Booty in 8 Weeks
  • Learns Everything You Need to Know About A Person's Past,Present and Future By Reading Their Palms
  • Destroy workout plateaus and trash boring and outdated interval workout with 51 news
  • Now lose weight faster and healthier than ever before with creative cooking and recipes.
  • Discover The 7 Elements Can Make Or Break Your Weight Loss Efforts.
  • Your Health And Fitness List Will Love This Complete Bodyweight Training Pgrm.
  • Discover How You Can Read Tarot Cards Like A PRO In Less Than a Week
  • Clickbank Ads
     

    If you like our content help us with a share… or two …  

    Also -  I have some free stuff for you .......

    Nr 1. In This FREE Report you can Discover:

    Secrets to acquiring the freshest, hottest leads via YouTube In-Stream ads quickly and easily! Best secret tips for the most effective targeting for your ads! Totally legal, but little-known method for literally stealing traffic from your competitors! Get more traffic to your videos and landing pages without spending a fortune! And much more - all within this special FREE report!

     

    Nr 2. Did you know you can Absolutely EXPLODE YOUR EMAIL LIST FOR FREE with UNTOUCHED offline sources?

     

    Nr 3. The #1 secret to becoming an affiliate superstar - Earn your first $100 online – without a dime to invest.

    If you’re still looking to “make it online – I have just the thing for you. It’s a video series that shows how to make your first $100 online – even if you don’t have a dime to invest. Yes – nothing.  Free.  Nada. Is this possible? You bet. It’s the most powerful system used by those “in the know”. Good things don’t have to be difficult. And they don’t only come to those who wait. Have A Look

     

    Nr 4. Top 10 Email Marketing Mistakes. Which of these mistakes do you make?

     

    Nr 5.  You can learn about : The hottest social networking site that will send an unlimited stampede of traffic to your site - for FREE! How to quickly locate a swarm of hungry buyers using "information portals"! The fast and easy way to use simple images to siphon targeted traffic, on command! Learn how to get the most possible traffic from Instagram, and make sure that traffic converts! And much more ...

     

    Nr 6. It’s no secret… Facebook is an incredible place to get tons of free, viral traffic. But… most people are going about it all wrong.  How many of these mistakes are you making? Download the free report to find out.

       

    Nr 7.  Special free report .  It's called "Operation Midas Touch" and you can download it here...

    The report features a surefire method for generating at least $1000 per week online,without a website or product of your own!

    Nr 8.  Instagram is still one of the hottest ways to get a LOT of traffic fast. All by sharing images. Sounds easy enough, yeah? Well, yes and no. If you want to really start driving a lot of  traffic and making sales using Instagram then you should download this report.

    Nr 9.  When it comes to creating a product online there are so many ways to approach it. Wouldn’t it be great to just get the meat of it all so you can get started faster? Well, the good news is, today you can download a guide called the Product Creation Formula Quickstart Guide. It’s as the title suggests - a Quickstart guide. You’ll get a list of action steps to take right away. Download your copy today !

    Nr 10. Would you like to finally USE all of that dusty PLR you have sitting around on your harddrive? Or maybe find the resources for the best PLR available - at the best prices? What about how to use that PLR to make you money with just a few minutes of work. Well, you’re not going to want to miss this!

      Nr 11. Buzzfeed’s top post has more than 21 million views. Think about that for a sec… ONE of their articles has had over 21 million people who have read it! And they have thousands of articles... what would you do with that kind of traffic? A friend of mine hacked their method and was able to use it to get 11,592 targeted new subscribers in 2 weeks on their very first attempt!

    Nr 12. Push notifications are one of today's hottest trends in website traffic and conversions, and for good reason. Studies have shown that as many as 40% of people will opt-in for push notifications, which is about TEN TIMES the rate of people who opt-in for emails! That’s huge! Not only that, but they're also highly effective at pulling clicks, as well. Some studies have shown CTR at an average of around 40%, with highs of as much as 80%! Again, that’s huge!

    Nr 13. Would you like to know how to get more money from the exact same number of website visitors you’re currently getting? Even if you’re website is getting as few as 1-2 visitors a day, this report will show you how to increase your profits using these few handy hacks.

    Nr 14. People have now realised that it's not the size of the list which matters, it's the quality. ... and the only way to create a quality list is by launching your own products. Let it be $7 ebooks, $17 info products, $27 video training product or software's... all of these work. My good friend Kevin Fahey has is revealing how he's launched over 20 products in the past 4 years, many of them top sellers. Needless to say he's banked a handsome amount in this time.

    Nr 15. Do you ever feel that the man you like or even love, just doesn't see you or desire you in way you want him to? Or... maybe you're able to get a man's attention though not the right kind of attention? Or... maybe you're still single because you wait and wait for men to approach you first? What you may not know is that the way we flirt will either attract the "wrong" man for us or the "right" man.

    Nr 16. When it comes to getting sales and leads online, there is ONE thing that 95% of marketers use... it's called a LIST. My friend Jimmy just released a free book that explains WHY a list is important and how YOU can build your own list. It's available right here (and it won't cost you a penny)

    Nr 17. If you have tried everything, and still aren't able to get your Ex back, then you need to pay attention.

    Nr 18. What if I told you that you could make ANY woman WANT to do ANYTHING for you? Would you think I'm crazy? Well... what If I told you that you could also make her LOVE every minute of it and come back for more?

       

    Nr 19. I have a special free plugin for you today. It's called "Covert Hover Mini"

    This plugin will triple your blog traffic by compelling your visitors to share your images on social media. This is some really clever stuff and it works like a charm. After you grab your free plugin, don't  forget to read the free bonus report as it will show exactly how and why this strategy works like crazy.

    Nr 20. The days of being able to get away with a basic WP theme and a pic or two are gone, your site needs to look good. Even Google are looking for you to have engaging graphics on your site. But getting good quality graphics made for your site is a pain, AND it will cost you both time and money (if you outsource it). But I have a special free download for you today. A virtual treasure chest of over 21K profit pulling graphics you can start sing today to generate more traffic & sales!

    Nr 21. 20 professional full HD background videos. These background videos are perfect for giving your videos that extra kick they need to stand out from the crowd Oh yeah they are in full 1080p HD too, I hope you'll enjoy them.

    Nr 22. If you've ever failed to create a WordPress site of your own or typically waste hours & even weeks trying to figure it all out on your own....

    Nr 23. No doubt, you've seen all of the video launches lately! There is a reason for it... Video marketing is a GREAT way to make money, and with the recent creation tools making it super accessable for anyone to get started... It's no surprise that more people are making videos. However... there is a missing element to most video marketing products...

    Nr 24. For the first time ever... You can get the straight scoop on how someone is selling over $1,000,000/year of t-shirts on Facebook!

    Use them  .... and have fun !